Those goddamn hipsters are at it again! Back in the good ol’ days, their bands had nice, easy-to-swallow names like The Pixies and Wilco and Pavement. They started getting on my nerves when they took random words and strung them together – Neutral Milk Hotel? What the fuck is that shit supposed to be about? Or Modest Mouse? Mice don’t have feelings! If anything, they’re just dicks. Why else would they keep pooping in my cereal?

And then for the last five years everything’s been about wolves! Wolf Parade (those animals would eat everyone in sight if let out in mass quantities), AIDS Wolf (they have STDs now?), Sea Wolf (that’s just a dead wolf in the ocean), and just when I think I’m safe, they start bombarding me with wolves in other languages! Did you know that Le Loup actually means “The Wolf” in French? Fuckin’ commies just won’t leave me alone. It got better for a while, but now look what those scruffy American Apparel-wearing kids have gotten themselves into — it’s “Crystal” now! Crystal Castles, Crystal Antlers, Crystal Stilts… why don’t they just admit what they’re getting at and call the next band Crystal Meth? I’d buy that album. And now two of them are going on tour to make this blasphemy even more apparent. This has got to end. They’re infringing on my rights here, and I won’t stand for it. I’ll be at every single one of these shows with protest signs. Join me and you’ll be spared when the Rapture comes.

Crystal Antlers tourdates:

12.05.08 - Echo, Los Angeles, CA 12.26.08 - The Fillmore, San Francisco, CA 01.26.09 - London, United Kingdom - Luminaire 01.27.09 – London, United Kingdom - Borderline 01.28.09 - London, United Kingdom - Lexington 01.30.09 - Glasgow, United Kingdom - ABC 01.31.09 - Belfast, Ireland - The Pavillion 02.01.09 - Galway, Ireland - Roisin Dubh 02.02.09 - Dublin, Ireland - Whelans 02.05.09 – London, United Kingdom - Bloomsbury Bowling Alley 02.06.09 - Hasselt, Belgium - Muziek-o-droom 02.07.09 - Diksmuide, Belgium - 4AD 02.09.09 - Munich, Germany - 59:01:00 02.10.09 - Duisburg, Germany - Steinbruch 02.11.09 - Hamburg, Germany - Hafenklang 02.12.09 - Copenhagen, Denmark - Loppen 02.13.09 - Stockholm, Sweden - Debaser 02.14.09 - Malmo, Sweden - Debaser 02.16.09 - Berlin, Germany - Magnet Club 02.17.09 - Cologne, Germany - Sonic Ballroom 02.18.09 - Strasbourg, France - La Laiterie 02.19.09 - Lille, France - L’Aeronef 02.20.09 - Paris, France - Flech D’or 02.21.09 - Bordeaux, France - Son’Art 02.23.09 - Lyon, France - Sonic 03.02.09 - Lausanne, Switzerland - Le Romandie 03.04.09 - Brussels, Belgium - Botanique 03.05.09 - Groningen, Netherlands - Vera 03.06.09 – Amsterdam, Netherlands - Paradiso 03.07.09 - Utrecht, Netherlands - Ekko 03.08.09 - Rotterdam, Netherlands - Rotown 03.10.09 - London, United Kingdom - White Heat

Crystal Stilts tourdates:

11.21.08 - New York, NY - Less Artists, More Condos 12.07.08 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom # 12.08.08 - Boston, MA - Great Scott # 12.10.08 - Montreal, QC - La Sala Rossa # 12.11.08 - Toronto, ON - Horseshoe Tavern # 12.12.08 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick # 12.14.08 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle # 12.17.08 - New York, NY – (Le) Poisson Rouge %

# Love is All
% Vetiver